Two fingers

 When I was young my mom always told me I was beautiful. 

''You're so beautiful my love, your eyes are so big and your stare could kill a million men...''

She would begin the speech like this, I really wish she would stop there too. But she never did.

''... if only you were skinnier.''

Growing up it stuck with me more and more. ''if only [I was] skinnier''. 

I could see myself getting bigger as I grew taller. I feel why that wasn't ok. I could feel it on my skin, and she never stopped reminding me. 

''Don't eat that, you'll get fat.''

''If you keep eating no one will want to be your friend, no one will sit near you''

These are sentences I was repeatedly told, but I tried my best not to listen. But I eventually gave in.

I really wanted to make my mom proud. I started following a million diets. Doing a whole lot of exercise, but that all didn't work. I had to find my own solution, and I did.

I started losing weight, and stopped looking in the mirror. My waist was getting smaller, but in my mind I was getting bigger.

My mom was so proud of me. 

Turns out all I needed to make my mom proud were two fingers.

I wish I could go back. I wish I could talk to my 9 year old self. Tell her ''you're not too big'' because, looking back at pictures of myself, I wasn't big, at all. I was normal weight, but i guess that wasn't enough for my mom. At least at the time.

My mom shows me pictures of myself every once in a while, pictures of my younger self. She says ''look at how skinny you were''.

That makes my blood boil. I remember crying myself to sleep each night wishing I was smaller. At the time, she would make sure I knew I was fat. Now, she says i wasn't.

I'm sure in a few years she will look back on pictures of me now and say I was skinny. 

But hey, at least I'm beautiful, right? 

-lem